'The Emoji Movie' Review

The Emoji Movie... was actually released into theaters across the world last Friday...

Let's just take a moment and let that sink in...

According to the dictionary, emojis are classified as small digital icons used to express ideas, emotion, etc. in electronic communication.

An actual movie was made about these...

**Breathe in** (1, 2, 3, 4)

**Hold breath** (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

**Exhale** (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Okay. Now that everyone's calm, we can discuss this "film." I'm sure many of you are wondering why I would put myself through watching this. Well, I received some requests to review it and I simply had to see it after it opened to a 0% Rotten Tomatoes score (it's unfortunately risen to 6%). When this "movie" was announced, I was astounded. Studio executives really resorted to structuring an entire animated movie around emojis... I simply had to see it...

For those who have the fortunate resolve to read all of this, I commend you. The Emoji Movie takes place in Textopolis, the messaging app inside a teen's smartphone. In Textopolis, all the emojis are living entities whose purpose is to give one general expression and be ready for the their inevitable use by the smartphone owner. However, the "Meh" emoji is different because he's able to express many emotions. On Meh's first day working on the phone, he goofs up and ruins the text Alex sent to his crush. Alex notices the glitch so he schedules an appointment to have his phone examined and debugged, putting all the inhabitant's lives at risk for deletion. Facing the threat of deletion, Meh flees with the "Hi-5" emoji to meet Jailbreak, who can hopefully recode Meh once they reach Dropbox. The three then journey to Dropbox for Meh to be recoded properly, Jailbreak to escape into the Cloud, and Hi-5 to be a popular emoji again.

If that plot description sounded contrived, convoluted, and flat-out stupid, that's because The Emoji Movie is all of those things. The movie's core concepts are basically a mixture of Wreck-It Ralph, The LEGO Movie, and Inside Out but The Emoji Movie lacks the charm, intelligence, or heart of any of those three outstanding animated films. You can just tell that a screenwriter was plopped down and forced to develop some semblance of a plot centered around emojis. I don't think that task is impossible, but I certainly don't think it was a good idea either. Now I'll be the first to admit I wasn't sure The LEGO Movie seemed like a good idea either, but that movie succeeded in ways I could have never possibly imagined at the time so I tried my hardest to keep an open mind with The Emoji Movie.

On record, The Emoji Movie was directed by Tony Leondis with a screenplay written by Leondis, Eric Siegel, and Mike White but it's easily apparent The Emoji Movie was studio-made by Sony Pictures Animation. This is clear because of how heavily smartphone apps (ie. Candy Crush, Twitter, Instagram, Youtube, and Dropbox) factored into the plot. The Emoji Movie was an outright advertisement for these apps when The Emoji Movie consistently deviated from the story at hand. It was almost like The Emoji Movie had a short attention span comparable to many millennials today. The movie constantly swapped storylines but lacked focus on any of them.

The animation style's substandard, the editing is atrocious, the script is stupid, and the cast was fairly one note. T.J. Miller was appropriately "meh" as Meh, failing to bring any real distinct personality to the character even when we're told this is the most expressive emoji. Anna Faris fell flat as Jailbreak, James Corden's Hi-5 was incredibly obnoxious, and Maya Rudolph's Smiler was just strange. Meh's parents Mel and Mary Meh are voiced by Steven Wright and Jennifer Coolidge and stand to reason as some of the most lifeless characters in cinema.

Those behind the film even had the audacity to cast Sir Patrick Stewart as the "poop" emoji and an actor who delivered one of the greatest supporting performances of the year in Logan ACCEPTED this?!? WHYYYY?!?!.. Stewart essentially just throws out pitiful poo puns and the entire time you're wondering why this was even necessary... I can't possibly comprehend why he'd want himself attached to this in any way, shape, or form...

At this point, I don't know what else I could possibly express to you via words. I'd love to be able to have something profound to say about The Emoji Movie but I honestly don't. Therefore, I will utilize the emojis at my disposal to rip this thing to shreds.

Overdramatic Emoji Decryption Review

😐😕😖😡- I think this would accurately describe the progression of my facial expressions throughout this movie's runtime. I was genuinely disinterested, then repulsed at how this stupid ridiculous product placement made it's way to cinemas.

📵📵📵- This movie was so bad that I considered boycotting the use of my own iPhone afterwards.

🔪✂🔌- About a quarter of the way through, I figured cutting the cord to the digital projector seemed like a viable option to just get it to end. On one hand, I might electrocute myself. On the other, I would spare the poor souls in the theater from this cheap soulless cash-grab. Sometimes sacrifice is necessary if the needs of the many outweigh your own.

🔥💩🚽- I don't believe this requires an explanation but yes, explosive diarrhea would be much more enjoyable than watching The Emoji Movie.

🚨❗❌🗑🗑🗑🚨❗❌- Whatever you do, do NOT support this garbage with a vote of confidence at the box office. Literally anything else out would be more worth your time. I think scrolling through all the emojis on your keyboard would be even more entertaining than The Emoji Movie and take far less time. I don't even think kids will like this. It's that bad.